As The Burg Turns
by mybrowneyes
Summary: Ranger goies with Stephanie and Grandma to a viewing and things go crazy in normal'Burg' fashion. CHAPTER TWO CORRECTED SORRY!
1. Chapter 1

Not Mine.

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As The Burg Turns

Stephanie was sharing breakfast donuts with Lula and Connie at the bonds office. The door opened and the electricity immediately filled the room as Ranger stepped in. Tight black t-shirt molded to his body with each ripple defined, mirrored sunglasses. Utter manly perfection. Mouths dropped as did the donut crumbs.

"Ladies. Babe. These mine?"

Connie couldn't speak, only pushed the files for Rangeman his way.

"Thanks. Babe, can I see you outside?"

Oh boy! Ranger had been dealing with a contract problem in his Boston office for the last few days and wasn't expected back until the week's end, but made it back early.

"Babe."

Her back immediately made contact with the bricks warm from the summer heat and her lips searing from the warmth of the Cuban lips on hers. Her fingers rumpling a little of the black material they could grab from the tightness on Ranger's body. During the kiss Stephanie felt all the way to her toes, she kept on thinking "You wanted the use of my body. You have it after that." She was putty.

When finally each could speak, Stephanie was raspy, "When did you get back? You weren't expecting to get back so soon."

"Finished up last night and flew back late. Bobby and Lester flew down to Atlanta to bring back a skip for Vinnie yesterday afternoon, so the office is short. I'm booked for the rest of the day. Have dinner with me tonight?" Ranger's hands were resting on the bricks with his forehead touching Stephanie's. She could see tiredness in the lines around his dark smoldering eyes.

"I can't. My Mom is baking me a pineapple upside down cake dangling a carrot in front of me to take Grandma to a viewing tonight. She thinks it's a closed casket and those always cause trouble for Grandma."

"Babe." The corners twitched up on his lips knowing how Grandma has tried to peek into previous closed caskets and the havoc she has caused including one funeral home gone up in smoke.

"It's pineapple upside down cake, Ranger!" Her blue eyes were wide and innocent, "You could escort us. With you there, Grandma wouldn't try anything and we could get out quicker so you could take me for after-the-funeral-home dessert and drinks."

His eyebrow went up when they heard the new theme from her phone. It was the Grinch song.

"Hi, Mom. Yes, I'm still taking Grandma to her viewing. I asked Ranger to go with us, but I don't think he is. Really?" Stephanie moved her phone to the side to talk with The Bad-Ass in Black. "My Mom will even have salad with the roast chicken and remove the skin off some for you. Daddy's going out to cut the back yard as we speak to get some extra mulch for you."

"He is not, Stephanie!" Ellen Plum was yelling in the phone that they could hear. "I said I would have him get bean sprouts to add to the salad! It's not the same! Even fresh green beans from the Farmer's Market. I don't want to be the one with an elderly mother in jail for risking a public catastrophe. The jail won't survive! Her picture could be hanging up at the Post Office! We can have some fresh fruit too! Maybe I can slip Mother something in her Metamucil to keep her calm." Stephanie's mother was going on and on.

"Pick you up at 5:30, Babe," shaking his head and shoving himself off the wall. "Too much information."

"Mom, don't tell Grandma Ranger's driving us. She'll just think up something else. Bye," closing her phone and giving the sweetest smile. "Thank you. You saved pineapple upside down cake for me for this week."

"You owe me." With a quick kiss, Ranger was gone.

Calling after him, "You're my hero, Batman."

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Stephanie heard her locks tumble at 5:22 when she checked the clock bedside her bed. Almost instantly she felt the tingle, Ranger was casually leaning against the door frame in her bedroom wearing grey pants and cream dress shirt with the cuffs perfectly rolled up showing his mocha latte forearms. His shiny silk hair tied back in its usual ponytail and looking absolutely delicious.

"Grandma will be pleased with her escort service," smiling at him.

Pushing off, he sauntered over and walked around Stephanie in her clingy summery teal tank dress that rested a few inches above her knees, a white belt around her waist, slip-on wedge sandals, and large hoop earrings also in white. Just a hint of a roundness of her breasts showing at the scoop neckline.

"Babe," Ranger produced a coral colored rose from behind his back which he brushed over her glistening lips touched with pink gloss.

"Thank you," taking the rose. "I'm ready," grabbing a white clutch off the bed and soft pale teal wrap if she got cool.

The black Mercedes pulled up in front of the Plum's. Even from the street, Stephanie could see the big grin on Grandma's face when they pulled up, her mother looked tense.

"Is The Package coming to the viewing?" Grandma was out on the porch bouncing up and down with excitement. "Does he know Ida Marcoloftski? I didn't think they hung out in the same circles."

"Ranger is escorting us, Grandma."

Glee written all over her face, "Hot damn! It's going to be a humdinger of a night. I'll be the talk at Cut n' Curl tomorrow, just don't hang all over me too much. There should be a lot of hotties there tonight because Ida was a regular bingo goer and drank down at the Falcons. I'm looking to get lucky!"

Ranger looked at Stephanie with mirth he was trying to hide, "I'll try not too."

He handed Ellen Plum a bouquet of pink flowers.

"Thank you, Ranger. Stephanie, you look nice when you dress up," ushering them in the house. "I just have to get the roast chicken."

He held out Grandma's chair, and then Stephanie's before sitting next to her.

"Ranger, are you crazy going to a viewing," Frank asked with his fork and knife ready for action, "with the crazy old bat?"

"Listen here, Sonny," Grandma waved a fork, "he'll be glad he didn't miss it tonight. Ida's kids are fighting over her stuff already. The son, I think he's at the button factory, wants the Caddie. Gloria wants her mother's jewelry but can't find it because she thinks her other brother's wife stole it and used it to get a boob job. Those knockers can be used as floatation devices." Grandma leaned in her granddaughter's direction, "She always wore a wig. I bet they're Eva Gabor's, real life like. But, I don't know so how can I get me one?"

Stephanie saw Ranger's eyebrow go up, but never said a word.

Ellen set the platter with the roast chicken in front of her husband, "The part with no skin is for Ranger," pointing to a leg and thigh with no skin.

"That's the best part," Frank took the other leg and thigh.

Grandma was putting dressing on her salad when she noticed the bean sprouts "Are these sperm?" Holding up one.

"Mother! They're bean sprouts and good for you. I was hoping for a pleasant dinner since Ranger is here. Will you please be good?

"I bet these bean sperm are full of protein just like the real stuff if you swallow. My jaws always hurt."

There was a clatter of silverware dropping around the table. Chicken fell out of Frank's mouth. Ellen Plum downed two glasses of wine without taking a breath between them. Ranger was trying his best to keep a blank face. Stephanie was stunned and afraid to look at the Cuban man next to her.

"These are good," Edna was chewing her salad. "Little slippery suckers."

After the pineapple upside down cake, Grandma took her plate to the kitchen. "I'll be right back. I got to change."

"Grandma, you look fine."

"I'm too underdressed," pinching her flowered blouse, "if he's going to be on my arm I need to be on the same page as my arm candy. I won't be long. I want to get a good seat."

Ranger leaned over to Stephanie whispering in her ear, "I'll always do my duty and there's no price between us, but, Babe, this is coming close. You owe me big time."

She batted her blue eyes at him, "You volunteered for this soldier."

His response was lost when Grandma stepped back into the dining room in a pale green ball gown right out of 'Gone With The Wind' and a tiny Cinderella tiara in her curls.

"Where are you going? It's not Halloween yet," Frank almost choked on his coffee.

"This is special. I'm out with Ranger. I got to look the part," Grandma picked up her purse.

"Grandma," Stephanie stopped her pointing to the purse, "is there anything in there that shouldn't be?"

"No! I'm with him. No one messes with Ranger. We better go so we can get good seats."

Ranger was just shaking his head.

Before going out the door, Stephanie's father patted him on his back, "I feel your pain, but Im glad its not me."

"Thanks," he said watching Grandma hike up her skirt to avoid tripping going down the steps.


	2. Chapter 2

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As The Burg Turns

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A Continuation

His head was still shaking after he helped Grandma and Stephanie into the Mercedes. What did Ranger get himself into tonight?

"We're going to Stiva's. I hope Dave and Scooter baked good cookies for tonight," Grandma settled into the leather backseat.

He found a parking space in the lot right at the sidewalk. It was like the Queen of England had arrived watching Grandma walk up the sidewalk ahead on them in her ball gown and tiara. Scooter held the door open for them and it was a parting of the sea as the crowd split opening a path for Grandma. She stopped waiting for Stephanie and Ranger to catch up to her, and when they did, Grandma attached herself to his other arm. He was holding Stephanies hand with his right one quite tight. The room grew silent as they stepped through the archway to make their way to the front where the casket and family were positioned.

"Babe, they're all watching us now."

"They're checking out Grandmas eye candy, Ranger."

That remark caused a Cuban eyebrow to arch.

Walking up the path, Grandma developed that little Queen wave of the wrist, "Look who I'm with," she called out.

Ranger's hand was slowly cutting off Stephanies circulation. Grandma stopped at two other women near the front.

"Edna, you should have let us know you were dressing up and I would have taken one of my old ballroom dancing dresses out of the moth balls. My Mortie and I, God rest his soul, were the 'Golden Shoes' ballroom champs of Trenton in '83 and '84."

Ranger whispered to Stephanie, "She looks really old now, Babe. What about then? Was that 1883?" Referring to the woman smaller than Grandma and one continuous wrinkle. She had pink rimmed thick glasses that were making Ranger dizzy just looking at them.

"The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that**.** So, I decided to dress up a little. This is that tough knuckle crunching bounty hunter, Ranger, my Baby Granddaughter and I work with sometimes. You know, Stephanie. I didn't know the hottie was coming until he showed up for dinner. This is Hazel," introducing the former ballroom winner and another very plump woman with grey hair that had a blue tint, "and Iris."

Stephanie and Ranger shook their withered hands, "Hello."

"Wow, Edna," Iris was checking out Ranger like he was the Senior Citizen's Discount on Tuesday at 'Momma's Kitchen', the all-you-can-eat buffet, "you're lucky to work with something like that."

"Oh yeah, and he eats all that healthy stuff. My daughter had these things that looked like bean sperm on the salad for him. Full of protein and all. I bet that's where he gets his package. I bet it goes sometimes all night long. Maybe they should start serving those as finger food at the Senior Citizen's Center to get those old farts there to get it up once in a while. We have urges that need scratched."

Hazel cheered, "I'll go for that!"

"We better go pay our respects," Grandma tugged on Ranger's arm to continue on to the casket.

His eyes were pleading when he turned to Stephanie again, "Babe, since when do I work with you and your Grandma?"

"All the time," she smiled mischievously at his discomfort, "we're a package deal. Go have a cookie, Ranger."

"I need more than that after tonight. I'll be polluting the temple for a long time to forget this experience."

Making it to the front where the grieving family was, Grandma led them past the deceased. "You have my sympathies. Your mother sat next to me at Bingo sometimes. Is that an Eva Gabor Wig because it's so real?"

"That's Mother's real hair," a red faced man told Grandma.

"Really? I always thought it was a wig. It was too perfect."

Stephanie murmured, "I sorry," passing the family for their loss and Grandma Mazur.

"That's not real hair. It's a wig. I can tell," Grandma was telling them.

"I'll take you to look at wigs, Grandma. I know one thing that is one of the best French manicures I've ever seen. I'm going to check with Dave before we leave to see who painted her nails. Maybe I can make an appointment."

"Babe," Ranger was eating an oatmeal raisin cookie to help to forget what he got himself into, "I'll pay for a manicure. You don't need to come to the funeral home for one. That doesn't sound right."

"Ranger, I can pay for my own, but that is one of the best. At least I don't have to worry about Grandma trying to open the casket," watching her ball gown clad Grandma work the room.

All at once a woman's voice yells, "I ate your bean sperms! Oh God, and to think Im going to have your baby!" Hazel was pointing directly at Ranger and all the eyes of the crowded funeral home were turned to them.

"Babe!" was all he could say. Stephanie didn't understand what was going on right away, but she saw movement at the front of the room. It was green and couldn't be stopped it. Grandma created a diversion.

"I knew that was a wig!" Grandma is waving a grey curly wig in the air. "It's a Raquel Welch one, even better! She looks really good for being 102!"

"What did you do to Mother?" the red faced son screamed.

There was noise behind them, "Police! No one move!" Big Dog yells running in followed by Eddie, Carl, and a few other cops and men in suits with gun drawn.

"FBI," one flashes a badge to the room as they head to the front of the room.

"Simon Marcoloftski, Noreen Marcoloftski, Ruby Tuesday-Marcoloftski, and Maynard Marcoloftski, all of you are under arrest of the abuse of a corpse and possible murder. We found an unidentified frozen body hidden in a freezer in what was once your garage. It appears the freezer shorted out and caught the building on fire. The firemen were quite surprised by the body in the burning freezer.

"I told you to get that looked at, Maynard," Ruby spat at her husband with bouncing balloons on her chest. "It was making funny noises."

"Shut-up!"

"Don't tell me to shut-up! You're the idiot!"

"Bitch!"

"I'll show you a bitch," a foot came up and kicked him between the legs.

Maynard dropped to his knees with pain written across his face. Next his wife swung her arm and got him across the jaw knocking him back. She belly flopped him while holding both breasts protecting her assets. He screamed when she bit his ear.

Two FBI agents picked her off her bleeding husband still holding his groin.

Another FBI agent questioned, "Where is your father Ira? He's involved in this too!"

The children all looked at one another not saying a word.

"Here. This Ida is a man. She has a penis," Grandma had thrown off the blanket from the casket and lifted up the pale pink nightgown covering the body shaking the discernible body part back and forth. "Ida's a trannie or one of those halfer-dikes if she has both sets of parts. Take a look," urging the cops. "If they dont have the guts, I call them girlie men," Grandma challenged with an Arnold accent.

All of the police officers had taken a step back from the casket.

Dave, the funeral home owner runs to the front, "They told us their mother finally had enough money to finally get that sex change operation, but died before it could happen. I believed them! They seemed really nice."

"If this is Ira Marcloftski, then the frozen body must be Ida," Grandma concluded. "I liked Ida or Ira, she always shared her Bingo chips with me, but she seemed to have big hands. Big hands. Big penis. You can't miss this," still wiggling the dead mans penis around. "What happened to the real Ida?"

Noreen spoke up through her crying, "Our mother was very domineering. Dad couldn't take it anymore and one day pushed her down the steps to shut her up and assumed her identity when the family moved here. We just carted Mom along with us in the freezer."

"So by assuming her identity, your father had also been cashing her Social Security checks," another FBI was thinking out loud. "That's fraud."

Simon, the other son, added, "What was Dad supposed to live on? He was a nicer and better Mom than Mom. He baked us brownies and gingerbread all the time."

"We can sort this out at the police station," Eddie and Carl were cuffing the children and began leading them away. 'Hey, Stephanie, Ranger," seeing them standing at the back of the room stunned by what they witnessed, "What are you doing here?"

"Keeping Grandma out of trouble," Stephanie smirked.

There was a parade of visitors going past the casket checking out Ira's equipment. Some were touching it.

"Ain't this a pip," Grandma, Hazel, and Iris came over to them. "Ida was a trannie. I played Bingo with a trannie! Thats a new one for the beauty shop."

"Ma'am, we're going to need this as evidence. I'm Agent Follansbee," taking the wig from Grandma. "Thank you for being so aware. The deceased was scheduled for cremation tomorrow after the services. We may never have found Mr. Marcoloftski. What is your name? The $10,000 reward is yours."

"Edna Mazur. Now, that really is a pip!" Grandma draped her arm through the agents and walked out the door with him with Iris and Hazel in tow. "You're a hottie."

"Babe," Ranger was shaking his head trying to get straight what he just witnessed.

"I need a drink, Ranger."

His face wasn't blank, it was one of disbelief. "I need more. If I wasn't here tonight, Babe, I never would have believed it."

"Can you drop us off for a brewski?" Queen Edna asked walking to the Mercedes. "All this excitement, we have to calm our nerves."

"What about mine?" Ranger questioned.

"It's just another night as the Burg turns, but I have something to cure your nerves, Ranger," Stephanie purred in his ear. "I'm not particular right now. Take me to your bed.

"Babe, that will do it."

******* This story was brought to you by Tasty Pastry ***************

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Thats All Folks!


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